Dear Sarah

January 22, 2009 at 12:47 am (Dreamer)

tombstone_by_manyakkuzu

“I don’t put my cards on the table, because I lost my Queen of Hearts.”

I miss you.  

On Sunday, it’ll be 2 years since I watched you breathe your last breaths, and left teary kisses on your cold hands.  

2 whole years since I lost my little sister.

It still hurts the same. 

Partially, it’s because I refused to address it altogether, and spent many a moment blaming myself silently for not calling you the night before, or the morning of the accident. For not being with you as much as I could’ve.

I felt responsible by my inactions. 

Yet I could never muster up the courage and strength to apologize. What consolation do words give when a life’s been lost?

It was moot.

So I said nothing. Redirected my sadness elsewhere.

With all the conversations we’d had about what would happen should one of us die, I was scared that I couldn’t live up to my end.  So I channeled my energies towards that, and built a small empire and a fortune to match. I even quit smoking, although I’ve been thinking about a cigarette for about 20 hours now. lol.

Hell, I almost bought the car you wanted. I was going to walk into the dealership and drive out with that Mazda 6. There was a black one that was just gleaming and gorgeous. I decided to calm down and get something else. Slightly cheaper. It’s a beautiful Mitsubishi. You’d enjoy it. Leather interior and all. Since I got it detailed, there’s been a weird smell in there that’s starting to concern me. But it drives like a beaut’; V6 and a couple hundred horsepower make the drive to work fun.

Yeah, I still have that job. I got about 4 raises and promotions since, so I’m now earning better money, but I make exponentially more from my companies and the real estate. I’ve been considering quitting and focussing on my art and design projects, but life is balanced right now, and I’m not going to mess that up. 

My little lab is still a mess. I’ve got a new computer in there, 2 new monitors, and relatively decent sound system. I still have the folder you created that day you and Kirsten came over. It’s still full of your pictures. It makes me tear every time I see it. That was an interesting Hallowe’en. I lost those glasses I had on that day. I loved them. They were the perfect size. I’m not comfortable with the new ones. 

Hmm. 

You were right about her. It ended in a very very messy fashion. We still talk. We didn’t for a while, but we do now. I met someone after her, but she left as well. Like I told you, I’m damned to be single.  I don’t mind it.  Less hurt. Less pain. 

Pain. I was worried how much you felt while you lay in that bed, shattered bones and all. For a brief second, all I wanted was for you to get up so I could shake you and ask you why you refused to wear your seat belt again. Kirsten wanted to do it too. She loved you. She stayed composed most of the time, but she was in such a ridiculous amount of pain that I could barely fathom. You were more than just a sister to her.

Mama wept like you can’t imagine. For as much as you argued, she did love you. Your brother was her strength. He held her up, emotionally, and literally. I stood in my little corner with K.D, Nadine, and Kirsten. Rob cried.

He loved you. As much as I questioned him before, I respected the man then. He would’ve given his life for you. He seemed interesting. It was unfortunate that we had to meet like that. He was a true gentleman. 

I never thought you wouldn’t pull through. I have never seen you fail at anything. Ever. I did not believe that a tree and a car, even combined, could stop my little Tunisian Princess. Alas. 

Save me some space up there. I’ll maintain your honor down here. 

I love you. I miss you. 

Always.

Snookie (I still hate that name.)

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